Child-rearing, throughout the ages, has been hard work and risky business. There are no perfect parents, no perfect children, and no perfect formula for turning that tiny red-faced someone screaming for his way into a fine, responsible, kindhearted, upstanding adult. I remember sheer panic when Ray and I brought our firstborn home. My mother had the audacity to attend a family gathering that afternoon, leaving two clueless, terrified people alone for several hours with their newborn infant. We brought our baby into the house and looked at each other. “Can we keep her alive until Mother gets back from the lake?” There was no guarantee.
Starting that day, I worked over three decades full-time in the parenting business (and earned a promotion to grand-parent). I took the responsibility seriously, knowing that I wouldn’t do everything right- but I wanted to be able to look back and say, “I did my best.” I’ve thought, studied, and heard a lot about parenting during those years on the job; I’ve noted a lot of good and bad examples (and provided both to others). Although I had theories and opinions, I dared not comment before by God’s grace I released three fine, responsible, kindhearted, upstanding adults into the wild. With the disclaimer that I definitely fall into the “not perfect” category, (and so do my children)- please allow me to throw in my two cents- on parenting.
One of the best things a parent can do for a child is show that child that he/she is a beloved individual with tremendous potential, but the universe does not revolve around him/her. How do we do it?
Let them work. By age twelve, both my grandfathers had finished formal schooling and were doing man’s work on the farm. That’s extreme by today’s standards (not to mention illegal) but both became smart, honorable, successful men who could rise to a challenge and persevere. I myself, as a youngster, raked shag carpet, scrubbed white-walled tires, and sometimes push-mowed two acres of deep grass (along with many other chores less difficult than plowing a thirty-acre field behind a mule). As children mature, enough jobs can and should be handed off, so that when all of them have gone to college, parents are left to wonder, “What happened to the staff?” I have encountered twelve-year-old children who can’t make a sandwich- and twenty-year old-children who are too inept (or lazy) to wash a dish. These are pitiful specimens whose parents have done them no favors. Dad is not a servant. Mom is not a slave. Sweat isn’t toxic. When somebody whines, “I’m bored…” I say hand them a mop and a toilet brush or a lawnmower and a rake, and fix the problem. Chores + Reasonable (high-end) Expectations ? Responsible Adults who can handle themselves in the wild.
Let them play. (And I don’t mean merely video games and organized sports). Play unpolluted by adult interference is surprisingly healthy for a child’s body and mind. Freeze tag, whiffle ball, hopscotch, four square, dodge ball, kickball, around-the-world, cops ‘n’ robbers, capture the flag, kick the can, and a hundred other all-but-forgotten games of the “Y’all go out and play- but come in by dark” era require little equipment or coaching- but magically build strength, endurance, coordination, flexibility, and balance- plus the ability to get along with others and resolve disputes. Timeless toys as simple as a pile of dirt and a couple of trucks… or a doll and a tea set…open worlds of imagination. I’m not sure when parents decided their job descriptions required them to entertain children…maybe about the time everybody started feeling stressed out and entertainment became a multi-billion dollar industry? Why not hand the kids a length of rope from the hardware store and see what they can do? “Bubblegum, bubblegum in a dish; How many pieces do you wish?” Freedom (with common sense parameters, of course) + Play ? Active, Imaginative, Problem Solving Adults.
Let them get dirty. Teach kids how things work- let them build a doghouse, a dollhouse, a tree house, an engine, an obstacle course, or dams in a creek. Teach them how to use tools, how to change a tire, how to cook, how to sew. Give them hammers and nails, paints, plaster, clay, and salt dough, soil and seeds. Delegate to them the job of caring for, training, and cleaning up after pets. Camp in the woods, bring the bikes…and share the work! Team and individual sports develop discipline, character, and fitness. Let them play- and make sure they win or lose like a good sport. (Both can be difficult). Real skills + Practice ? Confident, Creative, Inventive Adults who can actually do things besides watch TV and snap selfies.
Let them read. Academic success and scholarships to college are lovely by-products of developing a child who devours books (and not the churned-out- junk-food-for-the-brain-type). I remember the first book I checked out on the momentous day I got a library card: To Think That I Saw it on Mulberry Street. After that, I spent many hours immersed in worlds different my own- I read up in trees (to escape my brother), at night after my parents went to bed (that’s why I was usually late for school), in class (I became adept at the stealthy book-in-the-lap maneuver). Kids who love books can be robust adventurers, motivated by heroes they meet between the pages. Biographies were big in the fourth grade. Francis Marion, The Swamp Fox, inspired many hours of playing “Revolutionary War Spies” with my brother and neighbor. We stepped on a barbed wire fence to climb on top of the pony’s shed to our hideout, and jumped off the front to escape into the forest when the British came for us. The shed might double as a pirate ship another day. I shared my love of literature with my own robust adventurers, starting when they were babies. Good books + a Desire to Read Them ? Curious, Thoughtful, Intelligent, Articulate Adults.
Let them give. The soul is the only part of us that lasts forever. Parents have the privilege and responsibility to introduce children to God- who is real, eternal, great, good, and who is in charge. How do we show our children that we gain real life when we give ours away in service to Him? How do we teach them to truly love others? Like so many principles of the kingdom, this one is hard, because we are all broken, fault-filled people. Seeing others through Jesus’ eyes, with love and grace, battles against our selfish nature. By both intentional and spontaneous acts of sacrificial kindness, as a family, feed the poor, visit the elderly, stand up for the bullied, comfort the hurting. Do it in authentic love, without that obnoxious, self-righteous pride so familiar to us all (you know, the way that other guy acts). Cultivate friendships with people who are different. Model that being loving is more important than being cool. Pray. Study and apply the Book. Go to church, understanding it’s more than a spectator sport. Love + Sacrificial Service? Compassionate, Humble, Generous Adults.
Let them take risks, let them fail, but don’t let them quit. Conquering challenges builds confidence. Tackling difficult tasks builds toughness. Sticking with a job (or a sport, or a skill) builds perseverance. Picking up the pieces without whining or excuses- and starting over- builds resilience.
One day, we have to release them into the wild. That’s the job description of a parent. It is a worthwhile goal to guide a child to be prepared for that day- confident, respectful, kind, and strong in body, mind, and spirit- but it doesn’t just happen. Every moment, they are learning something, becoming who they will be.
Once I gathered my thoughts, I realized I had about a hundred dollars worth of things to say, but had pledged only two cents. There is a lot more to parenting than I can distill into 1000, or even 1300 words- but I gave it a shot. I also noticed that if children are busy working, playing, getting dirty, reading, giving, and rising to challenges, there is little time left over for shallow, worthless pursuits (you know which ones)- and that time can be spent practicing an instrument. Other parents have taken different routes to release fine, responsible, kindhearted, upstanding adults into the wild- and that’s okay. Some mothers and fathers have parented well, but had a child who went awry. God bless them, there is no guarantee. All we can do is our best. This is my two cents.
no one could
have said it better, I applaud you
Nancy for passing that down. I would let up on learning sew. I could never figure out a needle and thread.
Debbie – I just love you and this blog. Thank you, my sister!